Although my mom was not elderly at the time, she definitely was in desperate need of in-home care because she was visually impaired and in stage four renal failure as a direct result of her chronic disease, type two diabetes. However, she was extremely stubborn and refused to have help with anything except grocery shopping. My aging, diabetic, visually impaired mom needed help with the following, but not limited to:
- Home dialysis (Peritoneal dialysis)
- Meal prep
- House cleaning (to be sterile for dialysis treatments)
- Transportation
- Fall prevention
- Bathing
- Glucose management monitoring
- Reading mail
- Paying bills
But did my mom accept the help? Nope! Despite my misgivings, she switched from dialysis at the clinic to peritoneal, at-home dialysis, which was not the best decision since she was legally blind and had neuropathy in her hands and feet. Some of the strategies I wish I would have used to help my mom be more open and not so stubborn to receiving help are as follows:
- Focus on positives
- Treat her like an adult
- Try to understand from her perspective
- Let her control (she already had control, but wouldn’t let me talk to her doctors or potential caregivers)
- Lean on eldercare professionals
- Prioritize issues
- Seek professional help for my distress over seeing my mom’s rapid decline in health
- Start small
- Understand what motivates my mom
- Be patient
- Pick my battles and understand I do not have to go to every fight she invites me to
- Evaluate my caregiving capabilities and availabilities
- Have an outlet (which I did not have – instead I had two babies and an immature, needy husband at home)
- Stay calm
- Stay positive
- Accept the resistance
- Ask questions
- Be honest
- Bring in trusted helpers
- Ease her fears
- Objectively evaluate my mom’s situation
When dealing with elderly parents who refuse to get help, according to the Center for Mental Health and Ageing, they suggest that, “You care about your aging parent so much and for some reason, they’re just not listening to you and your pleas for them to go to the doctor. You try and you try, but nothing you say is convincing your parent that whatever is going on in their mind or body is worth checking out. So, here are expert tips for what to do when elderly parents refuse needed care.
- Try to see where your aging parent is coming from.
- Work with a Geriatrician
- Consider changing your approach.
- Ask if your parent would be willing to go with another family member or a friend.
- Ask another family member or friend to reach out to your parent.
- Email or fax your parent’s medical provider
- Take a break and give your parent some space.
- Continue communicating and engaging with your loved one
- Get professional help,”.
10 signs your elderly parent needs help
Experts at Psychology Today share these ten signs, “Some signs that an elderly adult may be in need of caregiving include: increased forgetfulness, decreased mobility, weight loss, poor hygiene, inability to drive, difficulty keeping house clean and organized, increased number of accidents or falls, and feelings of isolation or loneliness. A senior may also need a temporary caregiver when recovering from surgery or a health emergency, like a stroke or heart attack,”.
Unfortunately, my mom did not get to grow old, nor did my grandmother. Both my mother and grandmother were severe diabetics and passed away from congestive heart failure, a common side effect of uncontrolled diabetes.
My mom’s unmanageability was a direct result of a delayed diagnosis and her refusal to have someone come into her home to help. Furthermore, she missed all of the early warning signs. By the time she started treating her chronic fatal disease, she was never able to get control of her glucose levels. As a result, she passed away at the young age of fifty-eight, but not before she had the following side effects of diabetes:
- Vision loss (she was legally blind from diabetic retinopathy)
- Neuropathy in her hands and feet
- Renal failure (kidney failure)
- Delayed wound healing
- Skin issues
- Sleep disturbances
- Falls due to vision impairment and neuropathy
When to intervene with elderly parents?
My mom needed the help, and the signs were evident. But she was a stubborn woman who did things as she wished and was very set in her ways. After all, she had lived thirty-seven years as a single mom, and no one was going to tell her otherwise.
Horrifically, one snowy winter December day in Michigan, my mom did not answer her phone as she usually did. So I bundled up my babies (my sons were five and almost two years old) and went to check on my mom/their Nana. Unfortunately, since she refused to have helpers in her home when I couldn’t be there, she suffered a heart attack alone, and I found her lying on the floor next to her bed, deceased.
To say this was one of the worst events in my life to date would be an understatement. She was my only parent, I am an only child with no siblings to share the burden of grief with, my sons caregiver when I went to work meetings or outings, the glue who kept our family and extended family together, the keeper of all the family’s history and genealogy and, probably one of the best, kindest, generous persons one could ever meet or be privileged to have in their life. Yes, I miss her greatly and wish she had accepted help.
Sadly, my attempt to intervene was not successful. Alas, I cannot change the past nor go back in time. What I can do is to stress to you the extreme importance of expressing your love and concern for your parent who might be refusing help. Share this story with them and explain how you fear this could happen to them as well. Most of all, just tell them how much they mean to you and how devastated you would be to have to find them lying on the floor, passed away, with no turning back.
May you have a better outcome than I did, with many blessings for a more positive outcome.
Dealing with elderly parents who refuse help
In conclusion, dealing with elderly parents who refuse help can be challenging. Still, with patience, empathy, and open communication, you might find ways to support them effectively while honoring their autonomy. Please remember, it’s about respecting their independence while ensuring their safety and well-being.