As I look back on my life, I am grateful to have been a lucky kid who grew up in a loving, fun, and adventurous family. My mom was the oldest of her siblings, with her next sibling being five years younger, then another at eight years younger, and the youngest being eleven years younger.
My mom and her younger sister had their only children (my cousin and me) four days apart. Our aunt was only ten and our uncle was fourteen when we were born, so they were more like older siblings to us.
When we were thirteen, our aunt got married and a few months later, moved to a small town just outside of Chicago, Illinois. We loved visiting her there and going shopping! That did not last long as they moved to Cleveland, Ohio, where her husband was from. A quick two-hour drive from our homes in Southeast Michigan, but not as cool as Chicago.
From Cleveland, they moved back to Michigan, but only for a short time before they were off again. This time, my aunt and her growing family relocated to a small town outside Atlanta, Georgia. It was the quintessential version of Southern life – right out of the movies! At the time, they had two sons, and while in Georgia, they adopted three more children: two girls and a boy, making their family a total of seven. All in all, my aunt adopted four children and had, as she says, “one belly baby”.
After a few years in Atlanta, they finally settled down and adjusted to life near Charlotte, North Carolina, where they still live to this day. I have enjoyed traveling there for the last twenty-six years, either by air or by road, mostly via road trips that have been an adventure in themselves. As a result, my sons and I have many wonderful memories.
Furthermore, since they lived in the middle of the state of NC, they invested in a vacation home in the Outer Banks (OBX). OBX is a series of islands off the coast of NC. I adore OBX and love to vacation there, as it is by far the best of all the places my aunt has lived.
Because my family dared to explore living and relocating to other states, while following her husband’s career, I have had the privilege of being able to have years of reasonably priced vacations without having to pay for lodging or meals to the following locations:
- Chicago, Illinois
- Cleveland, Ohio
- Atlanta, Georgia
- Charlotte, North Carolina
- Outer Banks, North Carolina
Signs you need to move away from family
Full disclosure, while my family was filled with love and adventure, we were also very enmeshed in each other’s lives, which was not healthy in the long run. Unfortunately, my grandfather was sick with alcoholism and was abusive towards my grandmother. When a family member is sick with alcoholism, the whole family is sick. It is the only disease that affects those close to the one afflicted.
There were unhealthy boundaries between the parents and within the siblings’ relationships, ultimately spilling over to affect us, the grandchildren, as well. We were very dysfunctional and had poor coping skills. It was part of the reason why my aunt was willing to move away from the family immediately after she was married.
Sadly, throughout the last thirty years or so, the relationships have either been severed or are estranged.
Here are some of the reasons and signs why most of my family is estranged:
- Lack of boundaries
- Shaming
- Using guilt as a weapon
- Not letting go of the past
- Abusive language
- Physical abuse
- Threats
- Stealing
- Not returning borrowed items
- Not respecting personal space or belongings
- Bad experiences outweigh the good
- Setting boundaries leads to constant guilt trips
- Constant conflict
- Lack of privacy
- Unloving criticism
- Lying
- Cheating
- Using
- Stealing
- Manipulation
Cornell University reports that, “‘It became clear that estrangement is a very widespread problem that was hiding in plain sight,’ said Pillemer, who is also a professor of gerontology in medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine. ‘I felt it was critically important to bring this problem out of the shadows and into the clear light of open discussion and dialogue.’
Of the more than 1,300 people Pillemer surveyed, 10% reported being estranged from a parent or child, 8% from a sibling and 9% from extended family members including cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, nieces and nephews.
Each situation, Pillemer said, involves a breakdown of family bonds, typically coupled with poor and increasingly hostile communication. Long-simmering feuds may culminate in a ‘volcanic event’ in which one family member declares ‘I’m done’ with another,”.
What are the 5 stages of estrangement?
It’s one thing to be estranged in theory, but when the break initially happens, feelings are intense. When I finally “had enough” and decided to sever ties with my aunt, she became very vindictive, violent, and verbally abusive, which was ironically why I decided to end the relationship in the first place.
I was hurting emotionally, terribly unhappy because the relationship was ending. I felt abandoned and abused. As time passed, I felt relieved that I didn’t have to put myself and my children through that abusive relationship anymore, yet I was still angry about her behavior.
After doing a lot of self-work, therapy, and reflection, I have found forgiveness for my aunt and understanding because I know that she is emotionally ill.
Psychology Today presents the five stages of estrangement by sharing that, “You may have heard of the five stages of grief posited by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
This is the first post in a series in which I’ll present my theory, based on observation, of the five stages of estrangement: shock, despair, acceptance, transformation, and maintenance,”.
The maintenance stage is a new concept for me. According to Psychology Today, for the relationships that are reconciled after estrangement, use this stage to build new, healthy relationships. They must also continue to do the emotionally healing work that began in earlier stages.
Personally, I would not feel comfortable reconciling with any of my estranged family members until I knew they were doing healing work of their own. At this point, a couple of my cousins and I are the only people in our family who are in recovery programs and on a spiritual healing journey.
Ultimately, recovery from the trauma of disconnection will require a significant amount of time, patience, and self-compassion.
Family relocation
In conclusion, while family relocation brought adventure, healing, and perspective, it also revealed the deep fractures within our roots. In choosing distance, I found peace, purpose, and the freedom to build a healthier legacy for my own family.