Throughout my life, between experience and my educational background in communications and sociology, I found one thing to be true – no one is “normal.” Everyone has something they are dealing with or working on, and every family is full of many types of personalities. However, when there is alcoholism, drug addiction, trauma, or abuse, that once average but not-so-normal family becomes dysfunctional.
For example, my mom’s nucleus family was highly dysfunctional, and all six family members suffered from several mental health issues, such as:
- Alcoholism
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Low self-esteem and social isolation
- Eating disorders
- Drug addiction
- Workaholics
- PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)
- Behavioral or legal problems
- Codependency
- Failure to launch
- Self-harm
- Risky behaviors
- Emotional Dysregulation
- Perfectionism
- People-pleasing and fear of conflict
- Fear of abandonment
- Conditional love
Unfortunately, once this type of dysfunction has infected a family, it often becomes generational, spilling into the next generation as it has with myself and my first cousins born of my mom’s siblings. Alcoholism/addiction is the only disease that makes the whole family sick in one way or another.
Thankfully, for those who choose to recover, change, and break the chains of bondage the family disease has held them in, there is hope, growth, healing, and a positive future to unfold. There is help. Whether it is through a 12-step recovery group, rehab, family counseling services, or intense therapy, help is out there.
Dysfunctional family characteristics in adulthood
According to Very Well Mind, they cite the following effects on people who grow up in a dysfunctional family, “These common characteristics are prevalent not only in alcoholic families but also in those who grew up in families where there were other compulsive behaviors.
Examples of behaviors include gambling, drug abuse, or overeating. Other types of dysfunction, such as parents who were chronically ill or held strict religious attitudes, were also implicated.
She cited that adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs) often:
- Guess what normal behavior is
- Have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end
- Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
- Judge themselves without mercy
- Have difficulty having fun
- Take themselves very seriously
- Have difficulty with intimate relationships
- Overreact to changes over which they have no control
- Constantly seek approval and affirmation
- Feel that they’re different from other people
- Are super responsible or super irresponsible
- Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved
- Are impulsive
- Tend to lock themselves in a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.
- Impulsivity can lead to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess,”.
Recovery from alcoholism, addiction, and codependency is possible if one honestly acknowledges the problems their family faces, is open to new ideas and a new way of living, and is willing to put in the work to change.
The ”HOW” to recover acronym:
- Honesty
- Open-mindedness
- Willingness
I have also heard that nothing changes if nothing changes. That sentiment is expressed through another phrase I have heard around the rooms:
The three C’s –
- Choices
- Chances
- Changes
Someone once told me, “You must make a choice to take a chance, or your life will never change.” And wow, she was right!
Dysfunctional family roles
Part of acknowledging how the family disease has affected one’s life is understanding what role/s you might have played or are still playing. As a person in recovery, I can identify with several of the roles listed below. As some might say, I have earned a seat in many groups!
Psychology Today cites the following dysfunctional family roles:
“The golden child: the one who can do no wrong. In adulthood, this role often manifests as perfectionism and a low sense of self.
The hero: the one who “proves” to the rest of the world the family is all right.
The mascot: the one who diffuses conflict in the family. Skilled with humor and other methods of deflection, they are able to draw attention toward themselves and away from where it could turn volatile.
The identified patient: the person who is frequently the family’s “reason” for having problems or perhaps their reason for coming to therapy
The scapegoat (a.k.a. the black sheep): the person who is the outlier—the one who is different. They are the opposite of the hero and are often the focus of the family’s problems.
The lost child: the one just trying to survive unnoticed, because getting noticed means getting in trouble or being in the limelight.
The enabler or caretaker: the person who maintains the look or appearance of normalcy within the family.
The parentified child: the one who will take on the role of the other spouse in an absence of a healthy caretaker relationship,”.
The golden child and the hero are two roles I heavily identify with. In fact, playing the hero role almost cost me my life and delayed my recovery for fear that I would let the family down. I often played the mascot, too, when the family would erupt into chaos – I would try to lighten the room with jokes or silly behavior.
In my marriage, I played the enabler and caretaker – I thought I was creating the perfect family; meanwhile, we were falling apart behind the scenes. When I got into recovery, I changed my roles, became a whole person, and gave responsibilities back to my then-husband. His role in his family was that of a lost child and a golden child, so he never wanted to address any problem, nor did he think he was responsible or played a part in any of them.
Naturally, we ended up divorced. When you never address or try to sweep problems under the rug, nothing good comes of it. Another saying I hear that is invaluable is, “Never trade short-term comfort for long-term discomfort.” This means addressing problems as they arise and do not be afraid of uncomfortable conversations.
What is a dysfunctional family
Ultimately, a dysfunctional family is one where harmful patterns and behaviors, such as addiction or codependency, create an unhealthy environment. While these issues can persist across generations, there is hope for change through honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness to grow. By understanding familial roles and seeking support, healing and recovery are achievable, leading to healthier family dynamics.