Coping with grief during the holidays can be especially difficult if what or who we are grieving was lost during this time – a season that is supposed to be “cheerful”. Unfortunately, fifteen years ago this month, on the 12th to be exact, I lost my mom to a massive heart attack. It was sudden, and she was only fifty-eight.
That holiday season, my sons were five and almost two, so this mommy had to try to put on a smile and, even though my heart was in a million pieces, make the holidays special and memorable for them. However, when I wasn’t with them, or they were asleep, I let myself fall apart, sought out family services in my hometown of Plymouth, and asked for help from those who were willing to offer it.
For example, it was especially difficult when I was at the grocery store shopping for our New Year’s dinner; people were smiling and saying “Happy New Year.” I felt like shouting, “Don’t you know the world has stopped because my mom has died, and what the hell is there to be so happy about anyway?” Sometimes, that’s how heavy grief can feel, most notably during the holiday season.
When it comes to a loss of a loved one, experts at Grief.com share thoughts and suggestions on coping with grief during the holidays, “Holidays mark the passage of time in our lives. They are part of the milestones we share with each other and they generally represent time spent with family. But since holidays are for being with those we love the most, how on earth can anyone be expected to cope with them when a loved one has died?
When you lose someone special, your world lacks its celebratory qualities. Holidays magnify that loss. The sadness deepens and the loneliness can feel isolating. The need for support may be the greatest during the holidays. Pretending you don’t hurt and/or it isn’t a harder time of the year is just not the truth for you. But you can – and will – get through the holidays. Rather than avoiding the feelings of grief, lean into them.
Do’s and Don’ts
- Do be gentle with yourself and protect yourself.
- Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.
- Do allow time for the feelings.
- Don’t keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don’t stop at 250.
- Do allow others to help. We all need help at certain times in our lives.
- Don’t ask if you can help or should help a friend in grief. Just help. Find ways; invite them to group events or just out for coffee.
- Do, in grief, pay extra attention to the children. Children are too often the forgotten grievers,”.
Types of grief in Psychology
Grief is not limited to only the loss where someone you love who has passed on. There are many types of losses to grieve, such as the following:
- Death
- Loss of eyesight
- Loss of hearing
- Loss of mobility
- Loss of one’s old self before cancer, diabetes, or a life-threatening, progressive disease
- Loss of a job
- Loss of a relationship
- Loss of an old way of life (as strange as this may sound – alcoholism or an addiction to a substance, a behavior, or someone)
- Loss of a home or sense of safety – through foreclosure, eviction, natural disaster, or displacement.
- Loss of independence – when aging, illness, or injury requires reliance on others for daily living.
- Loss of identity or role – such as retirement, becoming an empty nester, or losing a long-held community position.
- Loss of dreams or future plans – when hopes for education, career, or family life are disrupted.
- Loss of cultural or community connection – through migration, estrangement, or societal changes that sever belonging.
According to the National Institute of Health, “Grief is a process provoked as a response to different losses, such as death, loss of job, relationship breakdown, some unexpected life events and changes, etc. The experiences of loss and bereavement are very individual. Even though loss is expected, the person feels traumatized, especially if death is provoked by violence, natural disasters, or war.
Commonly described reactions to grief are: shock, disbelief or denial, a high level of anxiety, distress, anger, sadness, insomnia, and a loss of appetite. As predictors for a high/slow decreasing trajectory of grief process are: female gender, reported symptoms of depression before the traumatic event, and higher scores on avoidance. However, grief is transient, even as we are is in the midst of its clutches.
People should expect to fluctuate between moments of sadness and mourning, and moments of acceptance, or even happiness for being alive. Researchers suppose that when a crisis passes; most people will be able to bounce back and move on with their lives,”.
5 stages of grief addiction
Let’s take the example of grieving an old way of life, such as from the perspective of an alcoholic. A substance abuse center explains this type of loss as, “Active alcoholism or addiction takes up time, energy, and resources. And so it brings losses and lost opportunities. These losses might include: friendships, trust, time, a job, etc.
Active recovery takes up time, energy, and resources. And it also brings losses. Loss of people, places, and things that contributed to our disease. Loss of using our favorite substance – like it was our best friend, and trusted crutch,”.
As odd as this may appear to those who have not been afflicted or know someone who has, in early recovery, alcoholics and addicts face grief as well. Just as in other forms of grief, there will be denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Acceptance is typically the first step in recovery, but one may fluctuate back and forth through all of these stages in early recovery. Those first set of special dates and holidays are exceptionally difficult as these recovering people must face some of their hardest triggers: family gatherings and seeing old friends.
Furthermore, the holidays seem to these folks as a great excuse to “party” – use a lot of substances or drink a lot of booze. For instance, take a look at holiday ads. Alcohol is everywhere! It’s promoted during the holidays as much as it is on Superbowl Sunday, St. Paddy’s Day, or Cinco de Mayo. It’s as if we are expected to drink and be merry in order to celebrate and spread cheer.
So, you might imagine how hard it is to abstain for people in early recovery. Good thing the folks who have been in recovery for a few 24 hours can help the newcomers survive the holiday season sober.
For example, there are special meetings on the holiday itself, every hour on the hour, and all meetings continue to happen even on Christmas Day. They say that alcoholism and addiction do not take breaks; neither should our recovery.
Coping with grief during the holidays
In conclusion, grief may reshape our holidays, but with compassion, support, and honesty, we can honor loss while still finding moments of connection, resilience, serenity, and gentle joy.