During an extremely tumultuous divorce, my ex-mother-in-law was rapidly declining from her dementia, and her son (my ex) didn’t want to “deal” with her. The one thing he did right by her was hire a home health professional for elder care in our Michigan area. They cared for her physical and mental well-being and kept a close eye on her while we were dealing with the divorce, our kids, and the courts.
Unfortunately for my ex-mother-in-law, her son is an exceedingly difficult and unreasonable person. When someone has dementia, the last thing one should do is purposefully try to confuse them. He did that to her on every occasion he was offered. He had unresolved childhood issues with his mother, but what he did was unmentionable.
During this time, my ex was also manipulating and using our children during the divorce like pawns in a chess game. Their father so easily controlled them as they did not have the tools they have today to deal with difficult people. Had I been able to reach them during this time, I would have protected them and offered the following suggestions.
Fortunately, today, they are living with me 100% of the time, with minimal contact with their father – and they like it that way. He hurt all of us with his unreasonableness, and we are still healing. But we are wiser because of it. Here are some tactics we have learned along the way:
- Focus on the intention. Never focus on the behavior itself; instead, always focus on the situation
- Stay calm. Pause before responding so you do not respond to emotion with emotion
- Be respectful
- Be kind
- Stay firm
- Don’t take it personally
- Practice peaceful interactions
- Be honest
- Change your tone of voice if needed
- Be clear about what you want
- Set appropriate boundaries
- Be clear about consequences (if they do not respect set boundaries)
- Practice peaceful interactions
- Be honest
- Change your tone of voice if needed
- Be clear about what you want.
- Be clear about the consequences
Shoot for a peaceful interaction in all communication with others, not just with the unreasonable or difficult people we encounter. Suppose I can imagine focusing on having peaceful conversations in all my affairs when it comes to facing people like my ex. In that case, it will come more naturally and easier for me not to fall prey to being bullied by his tantrums or outbursts into engaging with his nonsense.
How to set boundaries with difficult people?
According to Psychology Today, the following are suggestions on how to set boundaries with difficult people:
- Know What You Want
- Know The Other Side
- Prepare Options for Mutual Gain
- Listen
Whether personal or professional, there will be times when communicating with difficult people may seem impossible, but there is hope and a solution. Actually, there are a lot of solutions. Here are some more to consider:
- Listen to your gut
- Think realistically
- Set the bottom line and hold it
- Let others set boundaries, too
- Anticipate change
- Ask someone else to hold you accountable
The key to any form of communication is understanding where the person is coming from and what they’re trying to say. A person who seems angry may be feeling hurt, betrayed, or frustrated. Once you understand where they are coming from, it is important to empathize with them by not only reflecting their words back but also showing understanding of their feelings as well as having patience with them as they work through those feelings.
And yes, this is easier to say than to do, but with practice, it can be achieved. When I first filed for divorce, being the unreasonable person he is, naturally, he immediately began pushing back and trying to force decisions before they were thought out. I spent years reacting to his tactics, but something in me changed, and he knew it.
It was tough in the beginning not to let him “push my buttons.” A good friend of mine asked, “Do you know why our family members or friends can push our buttons so easily?” I had no idea and was feeling defeated. She answered, “Because they installed them.” So what was I to do now? I knew the why, but how was I to honestly overcome this? She smiled and said, “Uninstall them!” Wow, what a concept. It was so simple yet quite effective.
How to not let others affect your happiness
Another effective tactic I have learned is practicing acceptance. Accept people for where they are, for who they are, and who they show themselves to be. When people show you who they are, believe them. As soon as I can accept who my ex is and not try to change him, he immediately has no power over me. Problems come into my life when I cannot accept life on life’s terms. An anonymous publication writes the following about acceptance. I am paraphrasing, but I think it goes something like this:
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept people for who they are; I stay in chaos trying to control and unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes. You get the point. I try to live by this concept one day at a time, and so far, it works really well.
How to deal with an unreasonable person
Dealing with unreasonable people, especially someone as close as a spouse in a tumultuous time like divorce, can be incredibly challenging. However, by focusing on intention, staying calm, being respectful, and setting clear boundaries, you can navigate these interactions more effectively. It’s essential to practice peaceful interactions and maintain your composure, ensuring not to take their behavior personally, even though, at the time, it feels that way.